The Orgian Preview: Hoops v Greens

Preview

Did you know that Plymouth's boss is now Paul Mariner? It seemed to happen without anyone really noticing. When I think of Paul Mariner I think of a tall skinny man with a mullet, which immediately leads me to a few of his old Ipswich colleagues strutting around in pinstriped shirts with 'Fisons' written across it. How very Ipswich to be sponsored by a seed company. I think of Eric Gates, of course. But I also think of Mich D'Avray and Jason Dozzell. To my young ears, those names sounded impossibly exotic and glamorous. Not Eric Gates, obviously, but D'Avray and Dozzell. By contrast, when I think of Norwich from the same period, all I get is Greg freakin' Downs, a man who looked like Frank Bough's vaguely younger brother.

Anyway, those elegant, tall, thin centre forwards were common around that time. Mark Hateley was doing a similar job at Pompey, alongisde his strike partner, the shameless Alan Biley, with his bleached mulleted hair. Tony Woodcock was another one. You don't hear much from any of them these days, so it's a little odd to suddenly see Mariner turn up as a manager like this. What's even more surprising is that he looks like a cross between a pastor and Postman Pat. Look, here's tall, slim, good-with-his-'ead Mariner from the old days: Old Mariner. And here he is now: New Mariner. What the hell happened? Where has he been?

It actually turns out that he's spent quite a bit of time in America, mainly helping Steve Nicol out in New England. He was living near Boston, and having been there last summer I can't say I blame him. What a great place. Totally sport obsessed. Even the posh restaurants have the baseball on if the Red Sox are playing. That's how it should be. I think they even had it on in Wagamamas. Bloody freezing in the winter, but very nice in the summer. And they made Boston Legal there, which is brilliant.

He was actually Assistant Coach at Harvard University for a while. Apparently, at Harvard, it's pretty stressful. And when the students are stuck inside all freezing winter they get so amazingly stressed out that they're ready to explode. Hey, it's tough being the smartest people in America. Anyway, once a year in the freezing dead of night, they all run naked into the courtyard and release the Harvard Primal Scream. Must be quite a sight. But don't take my word for it, let Nora tell you. I'm still in love with Nora. Don't tell the wife, but if she had asked, I would have run away with her to Cape Cod in a second. We could have lived very happily in Provincetown amongst the happy gay community. Strangely, in LA, they're not quite so adventurous, and prefer to run around in their underwear.

Things look pretty grim for Mariner and his Green men. Only Posh separate them from the bottom of the table and it's a long way back to even finish 4th bottom. They've also just announced that they're going to sell their ground to help their debts, mainly caused by large contracts and small attendances. I think a lot of clubs are going this way. I suspect the wages bubble has already burst. Everyone is going to have to start being more realistic. Plymouth seem to realise that they may have to go backwards in order to go forwards.

We have to be careful, though. The Greens have won four times away this season - the same number as Forest. OK, Forest have drawn nine, while Plymouth have only drawn one, but, still, that's a decent win record. They've also scored six times in their last two away games - defeating the unpredictable Barnsley and losing 4-3 to Sheff Utd. In fact, that was their only defeat in five, as they keep drawing 1-1 at home, like us a year ago, only with two extra goals in the games.

Saturday felt good, didn't it? A little different. Happier, somehow.

Match Prediction

For them, Craig Noone, Chris Clark and Reida Johnson are all missing. I'm not sure if that's good or bad news, as I've never heard of any of them. Their website says Clark has boundless energy, so that might be good for us. 'Nooney' is only a young lad, but apparently a very tricky winger who got taken out by someone at Preston at the weekend. Mariner says that these two could play, but he doesn't want to risk them because of fixture congestion and that physio Claire Taylor (who I bet gets whoops whenever she runs out to give someone a groin rub) will stay behind to look after them. Does he mean that? Who will treat any injuries after Ikeme knees someone in the back of the head tonight? Tommy Tynan also looks set to miss out due to a hip replacement.

For us, Cookie may be back from his cold. Even if he is, it seems unlikely he'll start despite his excellent form. I think Buz will come in for Ephraim and that will be the only change. We actually haven't beaten the Greens in our last 10 attempts. We should have done them two or three times at their place, but failed. Last time was a 3-2 win in 2004, with two goals from Furs and a late one from King Kev. Gallen often liked a goal against them lot, in fact. Hoops 1 Greens 1.

Preview Haiku

Under the floodlights

We were once unbeatable

Fucking late kick-offs