1. For the women's 1500m - speed up the film slightly and superimpose Benny Hill being chased by the athletes to the tune of Yakkety Sax
2. High jump / pole vault - CGI an attractive member of the opposite sex beckoning the athlete onto the mat with a 'boing' sound effect on take off. Optional 'wahey!' for male athletes.
3. Rowing - have ominous drumming in time with the strokes with a shout of 'Ramming Speed!' with 500m to go.
4. Diving - CGI pirates forcing the divers to walk the plank. Ye scurvy dogs etc.
5. Sprinting - CGI velociraptors chasing the athletes. Cut to a sombre Gary Linekar who says: 'Only the first two made it' whilst Sue Barker openly weeps on Michael Johnson.
6. Sleazy 1970s 'Confessions' movie-style sax music to be played over women's beach volleyball.
7. Microphone on Yohan Blake to find out what he says to the girls looking after his, ahem, starting tackle. Or whatever it is they do there.
After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F are the FA doing?
should have its own channel
chased by US Border Patrol.
better equipped for the job shirley
if you have tunnel vision.
Superimpose police riot squad line onto the field with a jeering mob stood behind the thrower. Harry Roberts chant optional.
.. Unite And Take Over
I've heard Morrissey's got the hump ...
Grass skirts and Hawaii Five-0 theme
12. BMX - Claymores on every ramp and pungee sticks hidden beneath the grass verges
"They mostly come out at night, mostly."
A cry of 'This is Sparta!' on each throw
in 100m, 200m, 400m, 1500m, 5,000, 10,000m, 4x100 relay, and 110m hurdles
in the Dressage
With fully armed U-Boats, no finish line, last one still floating wins and gets a "slightly different" gold (below). Germany are fielding their best skipper though.
For pre-match entertainment maybe?
naked and, instead of water, performed in zero-gravity
To be performed in front a synchronised rhythmically appreciative male audience?
Batons to be CGI'd into sticks of dynamite and the whole thing to be run to the 'Mission Impossible' music. When the winners cross the line, all other teams are obliterated in a colossal explosion. Sue Barker to be suspended in a harness over lasers. This would not be a special effect. Just cathartic.
She has been trying for about two months now to blow up that irritating git of an opera singer from the Go Compare ads.
Lady and the Tramp..oline.